today I had a revalation, but I'm not sharing that on this impersonal world we call the worl wide web. some kid in austria could read this and go "oh my! clare blah blah blah blah..." and so on. damn austrians. mer, im so un tired, but soooo fatigued.....and its only tuesday. What I acomplished today:
~half of a poster
~a 92 on an english paper
~one water colour
~one collage
~2 sketches
~A visit to pauls basement

there. I forgot where I was 3 times today. Im sorry Catie. Im sorry Manda.Im sorry everyone I've hurt. I know I've hurt all of you at least once. even that kid from austria. I feel so ugly inside. so venomous and evil for doing what I did today. I cant even remeber all of it. It involved lying and bitching. why cant I just be a normal person. with healthy feeling and structured relationships. why do i always feel like i did something wrong?like its ALL MY FAULT I dont like the spot I put myself in.I got a card from my dad. And I lisetened to a lot of Hole and Bob Dylan. Now I really want a band. I want to be remebered. When I die, I dont want just 5 people at my funeral and a few distant reletives. I want people to remeber me. I want to be everything Im not. I want to be happy, and pretty,I want guys to like me. I want to feel loved. Because even now, the time in my life where the most people care about me I still feel like I'm just a hang on. Like I'm just the person you want to go away but wont. AND I DONT LIKE IT. I want this pain to cease.I dont want to feel dumb anymore.I dont want my world to crash again. I dont want this to be like sixth grade. When I laugh, I dont want it to be at another persons faults. when I smile, I dont want it be fake like a models.

I want to live in the fucking barbie deluxe play house and live with ken forever. I want to always be smiling even in the midsts of war, and racism and homophobia.

I want the MTV sugar coated lies. With new caster that have been processed more times than Little Debbie Cupcakes. I want spring breaks and ecstacy. I want to be told what to do. I want to not care about meat packing plants, not be bothered by sweat shops. I want to accept everything thats fed to me. Even if its as absurd as a loving god that actually gives a damn about what happens to us.

..............I wish I were an imbicile......because then I wouldnt know what was happening and why its wrong. I wish my only worry in the world was which guy to choose, and if my make ups ok. I want to believe that 9-11 was the worst thing that coul ever happen.

but most of all, I want her GONE. I want her to leave me alone and let me say what I want when I want. I wish she would stop critisizing every single thing I do. I want to sleep, but I cant. good night.
~CLare

wish you well