i dont know why.

I cleaned.and showered. tried to scrub myself clean but I still feel so dirty.

i feel contagious.

im making everyone sicker.Im not helping the situation. I care more about myself than I do you. I didn't mean to. Im sorry. I wish I could take it all back. because I hurt people. and I dont remember who, or why,or how or when. and now my nose feels like its about to fall off.

my nose is bleeding.

I want my mask back.

I want my head back.

I want my life back.

Im so sorry to all of you. I didnt mean to,really. If I did then I didnt know I meant to. Now this all all sounds like rambling. I was just going to write about my day. about how I cant wait until tonight to take my mind off of my mind for a while with human interaction. I was going to lie and say that I felt better. but I dont. My stomach doesnt hurt anymore. I dont feel phisically sick anymore....just....ill. I couldnt stop shaking. my hands are still shaking and Im really scared. Kari, I need to talk to you. I cant call, I ned to talk to you face to face. I need to tell you.

I love you all, never forget that. If I hurt you, I didnt mean it because I love you.just three more hours to go. I can wait that long. The snow is really pretty. It relaxes me and makes me think of Christmas and Bob Dylan. It makes me think of distant time not to long ago of happiness.

I just got mail, its from hawk circle. I feel better. no lying. goodbye

Clare

wish you well