a pill to make you numb, a pill to make you dumb. a pill to make you anybody else
 9:53 p.m. on 05 December 2003

i did something really bad and im really sorry. im going throught to much right now. after sandy i got home and almost collapsed from just all of this shit building up in me. i was so sick. and im still sick, but im feeling a little bit better. and now i remember what the bad thing was. it was 3 bad things but they were all the same, except different people and different times. but the same thing happened to me. and why i cant trust people. and why i push everyone away. i dont want to get into that situation again.

and I dont want to cry every night. I dont want to ever leave my room again. I just want to curl up in my safe down comforter and my safe stuffed animals and my safe music and my safe pillows. I want to pry the part of my brain that hold all of the shit ive been through out. I dont want to live like this anymore. I dont want to think that people hate me. I dont want the trust meter. I dont want to be here. I never want to go back to school because I hurt so many people on thursday. and its all because i got yelled at on Wednsday. I cant stand her much longer. I dont think I understand the severity of the situation. Or maybe Im making it out to be bigger than it is. what if I wake up tomorrow and find out that Im 10 again and it was all just a horrible dream. no no no no no no no no. anything but ten. I can never go back to that. that was the worst one. I cant believe him. and i neve want to be seven again. or four.

i want to trust. I want to be niave. I want a fucking childhood.

that fucking bitch gave me wellbutrin saying it would help me. i went back and im like 'i feel worse' she said that it sucks as an anti-depressant. so here i was, waiting for the day that it would finnally kick in. that i would see the colours brighter. and I wouldn't feel like im drowning. and now the other stuff that she claims is an anti depressant takes 4 weeks. i have to go through this shit for another fucking month.

my head hurts.

i need advil.

and I forgot to take the pills.

i want to stop, i dont like them.

WHY THE HELL DIDNT SHE HAVE A FUCKING ABORTION?SHE KNEW SHE HATED HIM!HER LIFE WOULDN'T HAVE GONE THROUGH THE PSYCHOSIS. SHE WOULD BE HAPPY. AND HE WOULDNT HAVE...

shhhhhhhhhh

dont tell



wish you well