me again
 7:09 p.m. on 29 December 2003

I've slipped into this strange, serened state of being. No, I lie. It isn't serene, it's just.....blank. Like I don't have feelings anymore, you know? I'm not sad,not happy,not anything. It isn't just fetigue although I wish it was because that would explain a lot and save me a lot of headaches in the long run. Sally said it's normal for people who suddenly relize bad things happened to them when they were younger and have finally remembered to feel blank a lot. And shocked,scared,depressed,etc.

I am scared. I'm scared of cold,I'm scared of being abandoned,I'm scared of love,and afraid of hate. I'm afraid that I'll end up like my mother, popping pills just so she can maintain a certain level of pretend normalcy.

I'm not happy living, but I really don't want to die you really have to trust me on this. I havn't wanted to die in a long time. I'm just waiting for the day when I'm truely happy. Because right now every minute I'm left alone to my head and thoughts, it's agony. I always try to do somthing to take my mind of that, but it doesn't totally prevent it. When I lie awake in bed unable to sleep, mostly out of fear that it will return, I'm left alone in my brain. To ponder endlessly about myself and past then cry and hate and scream in torment. She wants me to go to a hospital, but I don't want to. I want to stay here and be able to fend off this maddness myself. I want this to be a dream. I don't want to have what they think I have and want no more lies in my life. Iwant that son of a bitch to feel my pain and hate and anger and hope that he'll end up rotting in a sewer somewhere. Raped and beaten and killed.

I hope his sister didn't get hurt but I can't help but feeling she did.

wish you well