END OF THE YEAR
6:19 p.m. on 29 May 2004
and Cds...
Time Out Of Mind, Bob Dylan
To Mother, Babes In Toyland
and Tooth And Nail, Volume 2
The Tooth And Nail album was only 2 dollars, and I've listened to a lot of the bands with Kara's house and they ROCK
ANd Miles gave me a camera to borrow until he can send me the one he wants to give me forever. It's really really really nice. And a few hard-to-find photography books. Nudes:Theory and Discover Yourself Through Photography. Wonderfous ^_^. To,orrow we're going to the outlets. I need a new CD player and there's a Sony outlet there, so it works out well. Plus a Levi Strauss And Co. ^____^ I heart Levi's, they're the only ones that fit really well (my favorite pair EVER are those dark ones that I wear like 3 times a week, cause they're soooooo comfyyyyyy. And I shall get more, because I still have cash.
The school year has gone by so fast. BUt I'm glad it's over, because this year bit the grundel hard. Ugh, I hated the first semester, that was one of the worst times of my life. Read past entries. I sound like a freaking self-pitying asshole who blames everyone for their misery.
but I do, so it works out well ^____^
haha, I kid (sort of, there are a few people in this world where if they hadn't done what they did, none of that shit would have EVER happened. ASSHOLES)
I talked to Leslie about my dad, and she said I really shouldn't worry. I'm so conflicted. I hate for what he's fucking done to me and the way he treated me for 15 years, but when he wasn't you know, what he is 7/8s of the time, he was a good person. The drugs and alcohol and the fact that he has mental illness in his family to begin with(see, I'm blessed with wonderful genetics. Thyroid problems and manic depression on my moms side, alcoholism and psychosis/paranoia on Johns side, and balding/flat-chestedness. WOOHOO FOR GENEOLOGY). SO anyways, he was bound to end up they way he did. I just hate him because of what he did to me to get out all that anger(no, he didn't hit me, he never lay a finger on me. I think he's never actually hugged me 10 times in my entire life.)BUt the emotional stuff that he did to me. Calling me shit, worthless that I would never ammount to anything. That no one could ever love me because I was a horrible person. That still affects me, worse than physical violence. I have never had good self esteem in my life. Only my mom has ever called me pretty. and she has to. BUt he was a good person inside. Gave me my love for art and music. Snag me to sleep when I was little with his guitar. I'll love those memories forever. But for every second he made me feel loved, have gave me a day of hate in return. So that's my quam with John.
And there are a few others that really shouldn't have ever been in my life, but 2 of them still are and it hurts so bad. I need the summer to forget about them and just find peace. Oh, if only it were that easy.
I love my mom so dearly. She's really really really helped me more than she knows. She got us out of there. Put of Maryland, out of John. Ugh, I don't want to think about Maryland ever ever ever ever again. No, never.