ok, i just need to vent. I know Ive said this all before sorry ok? i just need to say it again.

I cant handle this any more. I cant handle racism,sexism,homophobia,sweatshops,abortion,Pie,My drunk father,my busy mother AND THIS FUCKING GUILT THAT IM A BAD PERSON AND THAT NO ONE FUCKING CARES AND IS TOO BUSY LAYING THEIR PROBLEMS ON ME TO FUCKING LISTEN FOR 5 FUCKING MINUTES. ONLY 2 PEOPLE IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE HAVE TAKEN TO TIME TO BE REAL FRIENDS AND LISTEN TO THESE PROBLEMS IVE HAD SINCE 6TH GRADE!

everyone else would rather talk about guys,or how their fat, or happy happy things. the only things people acyually want to hear. no one ever wants to talk about things that dont effect them yet i feel GUILTY if i weart leather. I feel guilty if I eat meat. I feel guilty reading about a rape that happened in NYC. I dont feel anger. I feel like if someone did some wrong its just clare the screw ups fault. I dont want to feel this way. I dont want to be angry with any of my friends. I dont want to be a hermit who only light from the outside world is music

i dont want to be alone.

Im scared of college

I want to stay in a place where I know Im safe.

I DONT WANT TO GROW UP! I WANT TO STAY 5 YEARS OLD FOREVER!

i dont care if we were so poor that we couldnt afford food half the time

I dont care that my dad was constantly drunk and never there

I dont care if most of my being 5 was spen in North Carolina

why? because i didnt care about world affairs back then! i still felt guilty about everything...but not to the degree that i am now. I dont want to remeber any of the things that have happened to me in the past. I dont want to ever go back in that god damned basement where all of my problems have probably sprung from.

I want to live in high upper class middle suburbia for the rest of my life. I want my friends to always be there. I dont want to feel like a fucking burden to any one anymore. I want to listen to listen to people complain about their boyfriends and actually give a fuck.

I dont want a boyfriend so much as I want to be normal. NORMAL. I dont want to be an individual. I dont want people to say " god your so individual. I could never dye my hair green" I want to be the 5'7, 125 pound,un natural blonde cheerleader with the boyfriend. the one that every guy wants. I want to think that 9/11 was thw worst thing to happen in the world. I want to listen to a church sermon and actually believe anything that they say. But I know that will never happen. Im just fucking Clare. even that name is ugly.

I feel so fucking guilty when I tell people that im severly depressed. I hate it when people say : 'shut up you idiot, you arent depressed' with their eyes. I want a little white pill that will make me better. I dont want people toi worry but then that fucking voice keep s going "shut up about that. your so selfish if you think anyone does worry. they worry about your mental condition about as much as you worry about them being fat"

I thought I would feel better after that but no. I went the catholic root and just feel guilty about wasting everyones time. I'll just let you get back to worrying about anything but me and well be on our merry way

wish you well